In 2011 at an Occupy Oakland general assembly in Oscar Grant Plaza, we voted to join the general strike and shut down the port. After consensus was reached, we moved into the streets and danced and marched and sang. It was exciting. The hairs on my arms stood up, goose pimples brought on by hope and a little joy. I had brought only rage with me to the Occupy Oakland general assemblies. Sure, I was met with righteous anger, but I was also met with joy. This was particularly surprising because before Occupy, I believed there was no room for joy in the revolution. I thought anger was the only valid emotion, that if you felt joy, you were an ignorant prick who didn’t give a shit about the world around you. I never saw the possibility for revolution in the United States until Occupy Wall Street and that possibility was infused with joy.
I’ve since grown more cynical of widespread revolution finding the United States. Not that I think it’s impossible, but I think it starts with small community building. Revolution on a microscale. My house is constantly undergoing revolution.
It took me well into my thirties to trust my joy.
There’s a thought in the astrology community that you should have your natal chart read every few years by different practitioners. We have different themes in our charts that can only emerge when we are in the right place to hear them. For a long time, the overarching message of my birth chart readings was Mars. Mars rules my chart and sits at the most powerful place a planet can sit in a chart. Mars is the warrior. Mars is passionate. This rang true for me. I’ve dreamed of revolution since I was a preteen. In early 2020, I read Chani Nicholas’s You Were Born for This, an excellent introduction to astrology. As I pieced together my own natal chart with the guidance of the book, a different theme emerged, one that had never been mentioned (or I had not been willing to hear). Joy and abundance. With each new conjunction, square and other planetary relationship I studied, the notion that I was put here to bring joy to my community was highlighted. Like, SO MUCH. I made a vow to lean into my joy and to share it with others.
I didn’t let go of anger. Anger is an excellent motivator, but adding joy gave me something to live for, something to enjoy, particularly when I thought about the future I desired. I see the future in my writing. Finding joy in my work opened up my writing in ways I never thought possible. When I let go of the notion I must center sadness in my fiction in order to be taken seriously, an authenticity entered my work. My writing felt like mine. It’s not like sadness doesn’t exist in my stories. But at the center is joy. I said a while back that my first book centered queer joy and my next book centers trans rage. I think it’s both. I’m deep in the draft of this next book and every time I reread earlier pages, I’m astounded how much joy my characters find despite the hellscape I’ve created for them. They are angry, but at that anger’s center is a desperate plea for joy.
Joy and anger sit next to each other. I am angry because of those trying to steal our joy, angry that there are some who believe we do not have the right to pursue joy, that we don’t even have the right to food or shelter or healthcare or a planet that isn’t choking. We should feel joy and anger. What I don’t think there’s room for is doom. Doom sucks. I’ve turned it over a million times, and I can’t find value in it. I know it’s hard to avoid but what’s its purpose? Doom tells us we are hopeless, that the world is too far gone, that we are only one person, that we are alone and cannot save the world. We are not alone. Everyone feels like shit, which is proof enough that we don’t feel our feelings in isolation.
This is not a campaign for toxic positivity. I do not find joy in every situation. I feel joy despite the fact that we are in year two of a pandemic when anti-trans legislation is at its height just three weeks after a conservative Christian supreme court has overturned Roe V. Wade in a country built on chattel slavery. I feel sadness and anger and love and embarrassment and fear, but I feel joy when I close my eyes and imagine the United States doesn’t exist. I feel joy every time a stranger messages me to tell me how much joy my book has brought them. I feel joy when I plant flowers in my vegetable beds because I got too late of a start on the garden this year. I feel joy when my dogs go nutso when they haven’t seen me for fifteen minutes. I feel joy every Sunday when I plunge a needle in my thigh, pumping myself full of estrogen. I feel joy when the moon is big and full and shines in through my bedroom window, keeping me awake. Anger gets me on the phone. Anger gets me into the streets. Anger gets me to call abortion clinics to volunteer. Anger gets me to my keyboard each day. But everywhere I show up, I bring joy, because the future is empty without it.
A Spell to Feel Joy
Go outside and pick up a rock, something small enough to fit in your pocket. Rub it back and forth in your palm. Feel its texture. Is it smooth? A little rough? This rock has been here for thousands of years. It might have come from space. Maybe it’s been on Earth its entire life. What a feat! Smell the rock. Rinse it under cold water. Dry it off. Place it in a small bowl and cover it with kosher salt. Let it sit for at least twenty-four hours. Dust the salt off. Carry it with you. Every time you laugh or something brings you joy, touch the rock in your pocket. A lot of people make a big fuss about charging rocks under full moons. Rocks can be charged with other things. Charge this rock with joy. Sleep with the rock under your pillow for joyous dreams. When you feel like hope or joy are out of reach, touch the rock and think about all the times you laughed. Remember you’ll feel joy again.
Note: This same spell can be done with a much larger rock. Infuse a large rock with your joy and then the next time you go to a protest, take the rock with you and throw it through a bank window. The revolution will be fueled by joy.
these are sacred words. thank you for sharing them <3